Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
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