Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
