If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
