Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
