I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
