it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I would ride that face into the sunset
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
