He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
