Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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