I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
