Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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