I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
