I love black thongs
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
