Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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