we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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