I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
