Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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