She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
