from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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