my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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