You smell like stripper and shame
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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