I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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