im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
