I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
