You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
