I think I won the penis lottery.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
