Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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