I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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