I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
