I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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