Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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