My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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