I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
