I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
okay pat passed out under dana's car
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
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