Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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