i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
