i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
