Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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