I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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