Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
