My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
