My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
