I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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