No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
