Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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