Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
