My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I can't trust your balls anymore.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
