There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
