He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
