Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
