the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
A+ Viking dick
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
