just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
